PUMPED FICTION: An Opera in Two Acts

Libretto by Estela Eaton for the Pocket Opera Players

Singers:

Daphne: Soprano
Dr. Bloom: Baritone
Eros (God & Porn Star): Tenor
Mother Eris (Bear Mother): Coloratura Mezzo-Soprano
Valdez: Jazz Singer
Cornelius: Bass-Baritone

Instrumentalists:

Flute: Young Penis, Nena Nalgas
Clarinet: Liberal Penis, Leather Queen, Harvey Wolf, Lifeguard
Percussion: Military Penis, Bodybuilder
Piano: Diplomat Penis, Tweaker, Announcer
Violin: Femme Penis, Mrs. Church, Allura Storm
Cello: Old Penis, Mr. Church, Security Guard
All: Saints, Turtles, New-Agers, Surfers

Dr Faustus: Stay, Mephistophilis! and tell me what good Will my soul do thy lord.
Mephistophilis: Enlarge his kingdom.
Dr. Faustus: Is that the reason why he tempts us thus?
-Tragical History of Dr. Faustus (Marlowe)

ACT ONE

Overture: Daphne at her mother’s deathbed. Daphne sits in a chair facing Mother Eris lying on her bed. There are candles all around the stage. The orchestra wears halos and wings, dressed as Saints. Daphne clutches an envelope.

Scene 1: Metamorphosis

Daphne: Mother…Oh, Mother…Oh, Mother Eris…

Mother Eris coughs and wheezes in response throughout.

Daphne: How can you die?
Just when things are looking up for us.

Daphne opens the envelope and takes out the contents (piece of paper).

Daphne: Look mother…
The Junior Daydream Prize in fiction…
I wrote the winning story!
You remember Professor Stiles?
He put his name on the entry form
just in case too many women had applied.
He promised 10 and a half percent…(holds up paper)
and look! Ten point five dollars just for us!

Mother Eris begins dramatically coughing and wheezing. Daphne wipes the side of her mother’s mouth with the envelope.

Daphne: (suddenly becoming very serious) Ohhhhh, Mother.
I sold out. I wanted to win,
to be a real writer.
Stiles promised me a grant
for work in the future…

Mother Eris: (waking in a fury) Work! Work!
How could he promise work!
Writing is not work,
you lazy, gullible fool!
Professor Stiles! Who the hell needs professing?
Paychecks, scruples and a decent skirt!
That’s what you need. Get a job, Daphne!
Women with brains are useful now.
Martha Stewart, Condi Rice, Coco Chanel—
Do you think these ladies miss a day of work?
Not on your life.
Daphne, your mind is like a money tree...
Darling, abandon these sterile dreams
of writing fiction and enter the real workforce.
Not just for mother,
(sung in broken syllables) for God and country too…You--Daphne, think proactive…

Mother Eris dies.

Daphne: Oh, Mother!
You were always right! (crumples envelope)
How I’ve wasted time
writing flimsy stories and tedious novels.
I am ready, ready to be scrutinized in interviews—
ready to embrace hit sitcoms and parking techniques!
I am the strongest link! I am the moral compass!
Mother, on your deathbed
your daughter is reborn.
World, behold a predator!

Scene 2: The Interview

The stage is set with two desks. Valdez and Cornelius are already seated at one large desk near the entrance to the office. This desk is horizontal so that they are both facing the audience. They are going over paperwork. At the far end is a desk perpendicular to the audience with an oversized picture on it (roughly 2 feet by 1 foot). This picture is covered by a small sheet. Hung behind the desk is a sign that reads, “Enlarge His Kingdom” in calligraphy. This is also covered by a sheet. There is a chair behind Bloom’s desk facing the entrance and a small chair facing the desk for interviews. There is a pad of paper and a pen on his desk.

Daphne enters, approaches the desk of Valdez and Cornelius.

Valdez: How can we help you?

Daphne: The paper says you’re looking for an office assistant?

Valdez & Cornelius: Is that all it says?

Daphne: Why, yes…

Valdez and Cornelius snicker.

Daphne: (perplexed) What does this company do exactly?

Enter Bloom

Dr.Bloom: Valdez, Cornelius.

Dr. Bloomnods to his assistants then proceeds to his office without noticing Daphne, Goes to his desk and uncovers the sign behind it. He then sits down and uncovers the picture on his desk revealing a photo of Eros. He begins doing paperwork.

Valdez: We’ll let Dr. Bloom explain…

Cornelius: …the Product.

Valdez: Yes, the product. His office is…

Cornelius: (motions towards Bloom’s desk) …straight ahead.

Valdez (to Bloom): Shall we lock up?

Dr. Bloom: No, no, I’ll be working late tonight.

Valdez (to Daphne): Dr. Bloom is ready for you.

Valdez & Cornelius grab some papers and exit. Daphne timidly approaches Dr. Bloom’s desk. He rises to shake her hand.

Daphne: Dr. Bloom I presume?

Bloom: And you are?

Daphne: Daphne Dangerfield.
I saw the ad in the paper.

Bloom: Ah, Daphne.
The girl who ran from passion
and turned into wood.

Daphne: If you don’t mind my saying, sir,
you seem a learned man.

Bloom: Yes, but a fool where it counts.
Little Laurel, bend your branches.

He motions for Daphne to sit in the chair and Bloom walks out slowly from behind his desk, pacing around her in deep thought. Throughout, Daphne shifts uncomfortably in her chair, occasionally interrupting his ruminations.

You seem young,
Ms. Dangerfield,
confident and eager.
This world can be a passive realm.
Have you never felt inadequate?
[Daphne: Well…inadequate?…]
Do your longings live in exile
from those blushing cheeks?
Or do your dreams
only yield a tickling pleasure?
[Daphne: Pleasure?…]
Are they heedless like the wind rushing
under bare unblemished limbs?
An ocean of habit lifting you from shame?
[Daphne: What?...Shame?…]
Little nymph, see how the domain
of flora engrosses flesh.
I assure you Dr. Bloom is purely animal.
[Daphne: An animal?...]
Dr. Bloom lives the impossible dream of goats and horses.
His face is long from desultory loves
tumbling past a silent wish.
[Daphne: What wish?...]
I wish, deciduous Daphne, to be large.

Daphne: To be large? Sir, I don’t think… (rises slightly from her chair as though to leave.)

Bloom (pressing): To be large! To be large is what all men desire!
Some develop courage to pursue this dream.
Do you have a mother, Daphne?

Daphne: Yes, I did but…

Bloom: Then you are familiar with Old Wives Tales.
The one about fellatio enlarging the man? That is our plan.
We create vacuum pumps to maximize the size.

Daphne: Sir!

Bloom: I am the leading manufacturer, distributor and patentee of penis pumps!

Daphne: Penis pumps?!

Bloom: Grand! I see you are comfortable with “penis” in recitative.
Simply wonderful the way you say it.

Daphne: Penis…?

Bloom: …Pumps! For impotence and importance, Daphne.
For size, it is important. Write that down! (tosses her the pen and pad from the desk. Daphne awkwardly begins taking notes. He sits down, dictating.)
Dr. Bloom—helping men to reach their full potential…
What do you think of that?

Daphne: Dr. Bloom, (puts down pad and rises from chair)
this is all very sudden,
You are obviously a man of action
while I might need some time…

Bloom: (suddenly getting very serious) Time is what Dr. Bloom does not have.
The penis may be pumped,
and love may be prolonged,
but the lover’s will cannot endure forever.
(As music swells up, Bloom hangs his head and Daphne sits down slowly.)
Have you ever been in love, Ms. Dangerfield? (Daphne nods)
Yes, I can see there is very little left of you.
Have you ever been in lust and then in love? (Daphne shakes her head and looks down. Bloom rises, picking up the picture of Eros from his desk. He sings the following aria to both Daphne and the picture.)

I was alone in my living room,
the first time he appeared.
He had a small part in a film loosely based on evolution,
but his entrance was climactic! Homo Erectus!
The first man to embrace imagination!
He was magnificent:
a lion skin melting down his body.
Our curious ancestors ravished him for my delight.
Credits rolled over his tired head,
his eyes burning into mine
as the world around us skipped and faded black. (puts down the picture and walks away from the desk)
That large and lonely youth--I had to have him!
Sadly, the real Eros only wanted money.
My business barely survived the initial courtship.
I gave him clothes, a motorcycle,
took him around the world.
I even made special pumps to aid him in his film career,
but Eros is insatiable.

Daphne: (pointing to the picture on his desk) Is that Eros, the porn star?

Bloom: And I am just a man, but not for long. (approaches Daphne)
Dearest Daphne, elusive maid of wood,
I need a solid assistant to help me
succeed in this business and in love.
(following spoken) How does… (whispers in her ear) …sound?

Daphne: Dr. Bloom, you drive a hard bargain…

Bloom: Sleep on it! We’ll see you in the morning: 9 A.M..

Daphne: Thank you, Sir. (Leaves with the pad and pen. Bloom goes back to work.)

Scene 3: Daphne’s Dream

Daphne lies asleep on a bed. She is tossing and turning, mumbling as though dreaming. First, she dreams of Mother Eris who enters and hovers over her.

Daphne: Mother…mother…

Mother Eris: Daphne…

Daphne: Mother…Ohhh, mother…I have a job!

Mother Eris: Oh, Daphne! This is not what I had in mind.
Adult toys for Christ’s sake!
Mother Eris is displeased…Displeased!

Mother Eris exits the stage as though disappearing. Daphne becomes more restless.

Daphne: No, mother! Don’t go! I have a real job…

The Flutist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Young Penis” at the base and stands up.

Young Penis: I am a youthful penis. I’m growing so fast. Please, don’t pump me! I wish everyone would leave me alone!

The Violinist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Femme Penis” at the base and stands up.

Femme Penis: Complain, complain! Get pumped while you still can! A penis should enjoy the attention! Someday I’ll be wrinkly and old and nobody will want me…

The Cellist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Old Penis” at the base and stands up.

Old Penis: Oh, shut your hole! What’s the point in fussin’? Family, that’s what it’s all about. Ain’t no use in reversing God’s plan. No tool lasts forever.

The Clarinetist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Liberal Penis” at the base and stands up.

Liberal Penis: Tool? How about killer and oppressor! We are guilty, guilty, GUILTY! We must atone, stay down until we can be of service to all the innocent victims of Penistory!

The Percussionist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Military Penis” at the base and stands up.

Military Penis: Hippy, Commie Swine! I was made to rape and plunder! Strong conquers weak. Like it or not, that’s nature. Just doing my job.

The Pianist places a penis hat on his head that reads “Diplomat Penis” at the base and stands up.

Diplomat Penis: Que barbaro! How about a little savoir-faire? A shwantz should be fluent in all the languages and cultures of love. You know what they say: il mondo e il suo ostione!

Young Penis: Know-it-all!

Military Penis: Scrub!

Liberal Penis: Violator!

Old Penis: Damn Feminists!

Femme Penis: Prune!

Eros suddenly emerges from wearing a penis hat significantly larger than the others.

Eros: Children! My children, we mustn’t argue.

All: Eros!

Eros: Yes, it is I. Lord of virility, master of affection, fountain of love! I am your god.

All: Master, help us prevail!

Eros: Children, you are all great lovers.
The ultimate lover is neither victim nor monster.
Although reflection feels like retreat,
solace is the key to variation.
Harvest your delights and your fears will disband!
You have a friend in Bloom.

All: Bloom! Bloom!

Eros: Harvest your delights and your fears will disband!
You have a friend in Bloom.

All: Bloom! Bloom!

Scene 4: The Next Day

The office is laid out similarly to Scene 2 only Cornelius is assembling and testing penis pumps on one end of his and Valdez’s desk. There is a monitor and keyboard on Bloom’s desk. The sign that says Enlarge his Kingdom is uncovered. Bloom and Valdez are both writing and going through papers at their respective desks. Daphne enters.

Valdez and Cornelius: Good morning dear!

Daphne: Good morning, Valdez, Cornelius. Good morning, Dr. Bloom.

Bloom: Ah, Daphne! How are the limbs this morning?

Daphne: A little stiff. I had the strangest dreams last night…

Valdez: Honey, they only get more bizarre.

Cornelius: You’ll see.

Bloom: Daphne, can you type a letter for me? (rummages through his papers until he finds the one he wants.)

Daphne: Of course. (Bloom rises from his desk and Daphne sits down where he was sitting.)

Bloom: Splendid!
I must pick up a shipment from Bangkok.
I’ll be back in twenty.

Bloom exits and Daphne begins typing on the computer. The Clarinetist stands and enters the office dressed in leather and studs carrying a penis pump. It could be a leather bag which eventually might serve as a mute when placed over the clarinet.

Leather Queen: I want my money! I want my money!
I did not pay 500 dollars
to have Dr. Bloom’s piece of shit pump
stop working after two days!

Valdez: Sir, calm down.

Cornelius: Let me take a look.

There are no whooshing noises as he tests Leather Queen’s pump indicating it doesn’t work. Cornelius disassembles the pump and puts it together again. Whooshing noises as he tests the pump. He gives it back to Leather Queen.

Cornelius: You had this upside down. (pointing to part of the pump).

Leather Queen: (embarrassed) Dr. Bloom should put that on the label.

Leather Queen snatches the pump and storms off, making wooshing noises with the pump now over the clarinet..

Cornelius: (puzzled) It is on the label.

Valdez: (referring to Leather Queen) Moron.

Flutist (Mr.) and Violinist (Mrs. Church) stand up dressed in some religious costume elements. They enter the office.

Mrs. Church: Hello, my husband is here for the…you know…

Mr. Church: (making strange gestures) …thing.

Valdez: What thing?

Mrs. Church: (holds his hand) We’ve been having trouble.

Percussionist stands from the orchestra, enters the office and pushes past them. Bodybuilder is lifting hand weights as he charges toward Cornelius. The Churches are horrified.

Bodybuilder: Yo! The name’s Arnold. Is my order ready or what?

Cornelius: What did you order?

Bodybuilder: The electric power system for two…
and a couple of straps.
We’re celebrating Valentine’s Day early at the gym.

Cornelius: Oh, yes, Mr. Arnold. I have that right here. (Hands him a brown bag.)

Bodybuilder: Thanks, buddy.

Bodybuilder exits and the Mrs. Church breaks down crying on her husband’s shoulder.

Mrs. Church: Oh Lord! We have sinned!

Mr. Church: No, Mrs. Church…
the Lord loves those who help themselves.
Remember?

Mrs. Church: (calms down) So we’ll be needing one of your…um, helpers.

Cornelius: Here’s an impotence kit.

Cornelius hands Valdez a box. Valdez hands the box to the Churches.

Valdez: That should get you started.

Mrs. Church: Oh, thank you!

Mr. Church: (hands Valdez money) God bless you! (He puts the “pump” on his flute; it makes a wooshing noise and he does a little dance. He and she go back to the orchestra.)

The pianist, Tweaker, enters the office or simply leans inside.

Tweaker: (nervous, looking around paranoid) Psst!

Valdez: Yes…

Tweaker: Psst! Check this out…

Valdez: (exasperated) Oh boy.

Tweaker: I have this friend who wants to get bigger.

Valdez: A close, personal friend?

Tweaker: Can you hook me up with the Deluxe Package?
I mean, hook him up, my friend?

Valdez: Cornelius? (Cornelius hands him a brown paper bag.)

Tweaker: Thanks, dude. My friend is totally stoked! (exits)

Valdez: Please let that be the last customer.

Cornelius: (looks out toward entrance as though he sees Eros approaching.) Don’t look now, here comes Eros.

Valdez: Here comes trouble.

Daphne: (softly) Eros?

Eros: (enters furious, carrying a motorcycle helmet. Addresses Valdez.) Where is he?

Valdez & Cornelius: Who?

Eros: Don’t play dumb, bitches! Where is Bloom?

Valdez & Cornelius: Out.

Eros: For how long? And who the hell is that? (pointing at Daphne)

Daphne: (stands up) My name is Daphne Dangerfield--

Eros: (slams helmet down on their desk and begins approaching Daphne) So…
You’re the new assistant. (his inflection makes fun of the title assistant)
That’s all he needs,
Another mouth to feed.
Listen honey, I’m his first priority.

Cornelius: You are certainly his number one mouth to feed.

Eros: Oh! How dare you! You’re all jealous, jealous!
You only wish you had my talent.
I’m in no mood for little people.

Cornelius: Good…

Valdez: …because we’re going to lunch. (They exit.)

Eros: (unaffected by their departure) I was up all night
shooting a critical scene for my next movie. I never rest.
(pops two pills and sits on Daphne’s desk, addressing her in this aria.)
Oh, if only you knew
how I’ve suffered for my gifts.
Back in Nevada, I was just a country stud,
baking in boredom and senseless lust.
I had the town at my disposal:
schools, churches, hospitals,
The desert was my playground.
I never asked for nothing but I got it,
because nothing was all they had.
I had the goods, baby, so I left for California.
California! Land of everything but love!
I fit right in. You see, I cannot love
the way that I make love.
The love that paralyzes Bloom
wasn’t meant for him. It is a gift for all the world!
I give to millions in millions of ways!
I know what you’re thinking.
Bloom is a sad little spider and I am the lazy dew in his web.
But I am a drop that reflects
both the tender perfection of nature by day,
and the gripping expanse of the universe by night.
(leans in close to Daphne) I can be everything you desire.
(Daphne gasps; Eros leans back and sighs.) That’s my burden.

Bloom: (enters the office and stops when he sees Eros) Puppy!

Eros: Don’t you puppy me!
That idiot masseur rearranged my sensitive back!
Now what am I supposed to drive?

Bloom: Why, the Ducati, of course…

Eros: Hello, I wrecked the motorcycle.
I told you I wanted the Spanish masseur,
but nooooo, the Hawaiian was cheaper!

Bloom: Bassam is Palestinian.

Eros: Wherever he’s from, he’s fired.

Bloom: (looks offstage and sees the motorcycle) Ahh! (reenters)
Eros, are you honestly blaming this on your masseur?
The Ducati is totaled? (Eros nods.) And I just finished paying it off!
What am I going to do?

Daphne gets up and Bloom sits down at his desk with his head in his hands.

Eros: (Begins massaging his back) First,
you’re going to give me the keys to the Jag
so I can make this audition. Then,
you’re never going to subject me
to that Hawaiian quack again.
When I say professional, I want a professional.

Bloom: How could you?

Eros: Keys?

Bloom: (fishes out the keys and hesitates) Were you…hurt?

Eros: Not now! (seizes the keys) I’m still in shock. (exits)

Bloom: (looks to Daphne) What am I going to do? Bloom lays his head on the desk. Daphne puts her hand on his head.

ACT TWO

Overture: The orchestra is dressed as Turtles except the cellist and pianist. They continually stretch their necks. The cellist and pianist play music from the vocal score of Don Giovanni.

Scene 1: Bloom’s Abode

Bloom is lying on a bed in his bathrobe, eating ginseng. He is wearing headphones, listening to Don Giovanni. The headphones are somehow associated with the cellist and pianist. Every once and a while, he grumbles “That Bastard!” as though addressing Don Giovanni himself. His bed is facing the audience horizontally. Offstage, Daphne knocks on the door and calls “Dr. Bloom?” but Bloom doesn’t hear. Daphne begins pounding at the door and yelling “Bloom!” Eventually, Bloom takes off his headphones and goes to the door. The Violinist, Flutist and Clarinetist get up and weave around him as he walks. Enter Daphne.

Bloom: Daphne, you’re early.

Daphne: Sir, here are the figures from last week.
I also brought the files you requested.
My goodness! You have a lot of turtles.

She looks around at all the turtles. The Violinist walks toward Daphne, stretching its neck. She almost trips.

Bloom: They inspire me! (All turtles furiously stretch their necks.)
Anf they never run away from home.
Splendid. What news from the front?

Bloom walks back to the bed and lies down. He puts his headphones back on while Daphne isn’t looking.

Daphne: (hesitating) Very little news.
Business has been bad since you left.
With Cornelius managing your other affairs,
Valdez alone deals with customers.
Retail sales are way, way down.

Bloom: (thinking of Don Giovanni) That Bastard!

Daphne: Yes, he’s been more impatient than usual.
As for wholesale,
our biggest client went over to growth pills instead.
He says his customers find them less threatening.
You should have gone to the convention this week.
Where else will you find new contacts?

Bloom: Down with Don Juan! Drag him down to hell!

Daphne realizes he hasn’t heard a word she said and lifts the headphones off Bloom. Cellist goes back to usual position in orchestra.

Daphne: Have you heard a word I said?

Bloom: (sighs) It was almost over.

Bloom gets up and walks away popping ginseng with the flute and clarinet following him. The violin stays close to Daphne.

Daphne: Damn it Bloom!
You’re FDA Approved!
You’re not going to let some gigalo
ruin your business, are you?
So he’s large!

Bloom: The largest…

Daphne: So he’s the largest…

Bloom: And so vulnerable…(pops a ginseng before musing:)
“The poets have mournfully sung
of the premature death of the young;
the screamingly funny,
the rolling in money,
and those who are very well hung.”

Daphne: And why not?
Eros has no vision, no responsibility…
Dr. Bloom pioneered safe and natural enlargement,
helping men to reach their full potential, remember?
You are needed, Bloom, needed by your brothers!
(softly) What have I ever done for women?

Daphne sits down ponderously on the edge of the bed. She pets the turtle and it stretches its neck as she sings her aria.

Daphne: When Mother died,
her final thoughts were of my future.
Her face contorted in pain
as she mildly suggested I move on.
My dream was choking her last breath.
(Turning toward Bloom)
When you hired me, you asked about my dreams.
I wanted to become a career writer.
Because of an overblown hobby,
mother never had the things she wanted.
She was the only person
who ever relied on me.

Bloom: (sits on the bed beside her) Oh Daphne,
my bountiful bough,
my perfect perennial,
I rely on you.
Daphne has the power of metamorphosis.
All great writers do.
Therefore, humanity relies on you
to change it as well.
Trust is the catalyst.
My trust can build immortal bridges in your mind.
(reaches in his box) That is why I hired you.
Ginseng?

Daphne: No, Dr. Bloom,
your radiant ruminations
won’t get you out of this one.
Break it off with Eros!
He is the lazy dew in your
otherwise flawless web.

Dr. Bloom: (standing up) How I’ve wanted to be rid of him!
To slap the keys out of his hand!
To focus my resolve.
But alas, I can’t stand up to him.

Daphne: (rises) Then I’ll do it!
Where is Eros?

Bloom: The Proxy Awards are tonight.
Eros is up for Best Male Performance.
He wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Daphne: I’ll put something in writing.
He’ll never bother you again.

Bloom: (clutching his ginseng) Yes! Use your art!

Daphne: (storms out) Vegas, here I come!

Bloom: (calling after her) Use your art!

Pianist and percussionist play music as performers leave to get costume elements for the next scene.

Scene 2: The Red Carpet

The orchestra should be offstage except for the pianist and percussionist. Drum roll and the pianist begins playing a sensational tune on the piano as entrance music for the other players. There is a red carpet extending to the other end of the stage and the orchestra chairs are behind it. There should be a spotlight on each player as they step onto the carpet.

Announcer (pianist): Welcome, ladies and gentleman! We are live at the annual Proxy Awards in dazzling Las Vegas, Nevada! Tonight, we are joined by the best in the adult industry: the nominees for 2005! A car has just pulled up… someone’s getting out…

The Flutist and Cellist enter arm in arm. The Flutist should be wearing a huge wig and skimpy outfit while the Cellist, dressed as a security guard, is her escort. They walk onto the red carpet, Flutist smiling and waving.

Announcer: Why it’s Nena Nalgas, the nominee for Best New Actress in a Foreign Film. Amazon Quest has been nominated for 3 awards including Best Muffled Soundtrack.

Flutist makes girlish noises, giggling, and she and Cellist sit down. Enter Clarinetist and Violinist. The Clarinet should be wearing a handle bar moustache and a bowtie. Like the Flutist, the Violinist is dressed as a porn star.

Announcer: …And here comes the nominee for Best Director of a Fetish Feature, Harvey Wolf, for his masterpiece Tranny Toes 3. Mr. Wolf has also been nominated for Best Original Series for his all-girl detective opus, Stripped Horizons. Joining him is the star of Volume One, Allura Storm.

They chatter with their instruments and sit down.

Announcer: And now…The Pre-Proxy Awards Show is proud to present the nominee for Best Male Performance, the master of seduction, the dashing and insatiable—Eros!

Eros steps onto the carpet and all applaud him. Percussionist leaves his post and approaches Eros carrying one of his drumsticks as a microphone.

Eros: (to the audience) I love you all.
(to himself) Yes, bitches, soak it up.
I’m back in Nevada and dangerous.

Announcer: Eros, Rodney Manning here from Sexpo Media. Your fans might like to know how it feels to be the sexiest man on earth.

Eros: Every day’s a challenge, Rod.

Enter Daphne wearing a huge fake breastplate—her costume for entering the Proxy Awards show. She casually leans next to him as though she is his escort and taps him on the shoulder.

Daphne: (softly) We have to talk.

Announcer: About tonight, how does it feel to be nominated 4 times for this award? Is the fourth time the charm?

Eros: (trying to ignore Daphne) What can I say? Always a bridesmaid, never a bride.

Announcer: Ha-ha-ha! You betcha.

Eros: (to Daphne) Move off!

Announcer: Always a pleasure, Eros. Good luck tonight.

Eros: (to Announcer) God bless! (turns back to Daphne) God damn!
How did you get in here?

Daphne: (straightening her boobs) I dressed for the occasion.

Eros: Security!

Daphne: Wait! I only came to tell you it’s over with Bloom.
He’s leaving you and this time it’s for good.

Eros: (continuously waving to his fans) Please! I’ve heard that song before.

Daphne: He means it.
You can keep the car,
provided you never come back.

Eros: You’re lying.

Daphne: (whips out the contract) See for yourself.

Eros stops waving, takes the contract in his hands and merely glances at it.

Eros: Hm…that’s it, then. (hands her back the letter)
I give him the most virile years of my life
and he dumps me on the red carpet.

Daphne: You did not love him.

Eros: I gave him love!

Daphne: Love is not a gift, Eros.
Love is a condition of the soul—
a trait elemental to survival.
Did you not play Homo Erectus?
Did he toy with his fellow man
or love us into existence?

Eros: And that complex performance
lost me the award in 2001.

Daphne: Eros, you’re insatiable,
a waste of drive and potency.
You’re nothing but a sexy worm
nibbling on corpses.

Eros: Well, at least I feed!
I must hand it to you, Daphne,
you look almost human in those breasts.
When did you last satisfy an impulse?
Are you certain you’re alive?
No, Eros is no saint but I eat what is fragrant,
lie with my desire, and dying,
choke on the sweet air of memory!
You’ve never been in lust and in love,
Have you Daphne? For that,
You must feed!
But you,
first you dam the river of life within,
then, thirsty, chase the rivulets into the ocean.
From there, you consider the rolling lust
and music of the world until one day,
your chaste bones are crushed with age
beneath the tide.
No one hears you come and go.
(leans in close to her) No one feels you coming or letting go.
Leave the stage for real artists, won’t you dear?
Security!

Enter Cellist as Security Guard.

Security Guard: What’s the problem here?

Eros: (pointing to her breastplate) Those breasts are fake.

Security Guard: So?

Eros: I mean really fake!

Security Guard: (looking confused) …So?

Daphne: (removes breast plate) So I’m leaving.
And I’m leaving Bloom.
I had a sense of purpose,
I felt I was an artist once
but my art reaches no one.
No one reaches for my love
the way they reach for yours.
Good luck tonight, Eros. (hands him back the letter)

Daphne is escorted off stage by Security Guard. Eros reads the letter, then clutches his chest and slowly falls to the ground.

Eros: Oh God, what’s that? I feel like…I’m shrinking!
But I’m a star! Stars don’t have a conscience! Shrinking, I’m shrinking!

Scene 3: Office Temple

There is an altar in the center of the stage. The altar is a kind of pulpit from the top of which is draped a long black cloth. Bear Mother is hiding inside. She is Mother Eris wearing a bear hat. The office sign that says “Enlarge His Kingdom” is uncovered. The orchestra moves their chairs up to surround the altar. They place beads around their necks becoming New-Agers. Valdez weaves in and out of the orchestra occasionally settling into a trance. Cornelius leads the prayer from the altar. The New-Agers interpret their lines of text with their instruments throughout. Where only “New-Agers” is designated, it is possible to allocate their lines to individual players.

Cornelius: Let us rise up and be thankful…

New-Agers & Valdez: Let us rise up and be thankful.

Cornelius: …for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little,

New-Agers & Valdez: Let us rise up and be thankful.

Cornelius: …and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick,

New-Agers & Valdez: Let us rise up and be thankful.

Cornelius: …and if we got sick, at least we didn't die,

New-Agers & Valdez: At least we didn’t die.

Cornelius: …so let us all be thankful.

New-Agers & Valdez: Blessed be.

Cornelius: The feminine values are the fountain of bliss…
Know the masculine, keep to the feminine.

New-Agers: Know the masculine, keep to the feminine.

Cornelius: Tiamat, Artemis, Nugua, we praise you Mother Goddess…

Valdez: (spiritual outburst) We praise you Mother Goddess!

New-Agers: Blessed be.

Enter Daphne looking amazed at the transformation of the office. Cornelius rolls his eyes back in meditation.

Daphne: Valdez…Who are all these people?

Valdez: Daphne!
Office hours are over, honey.

Daphne: I know. I’m only dropping off my resignation.

Valdez: Resignation?

Daphne: (hands him an envelope) I couldn’t face Bloom
In his wretched state. Please accept this letter.

Valdez takes the letter and puts his arm around her, leading her toward the altar where When she isn’t looking, he crumples up the letter and stuffs it in his pocket. Cornelius suddenly opens his eyes.

Cornelius: Goddess of the earth, the sun and all creation.
Let us rise up and be thankful for your wisdom.

New-Agers: Let us rise up and be thankful.

Cornelius goes back into his trance.

Daphne: (softly) Cornelius!

Valdez: Cornelius is a priest of the highest order.
This is our collective, Daphne.
This is how we find our centers
in this cruel and chaotic world.

New-Agers: Blessed be!

Daphne: You’re in a cult?

Valdez: Our religion is a sort of matriarchal
Taoist Buddhist Kabbalic smoothie.
We worship the original
Bear-Mother Goddess
and the teachings of her wisest children.

Daphne: Here—in the office? Does Bloom know about this?

Valdez: Daphne, Cornelius and I
have been at peace for quite some time.
Dr. Bloom’s energies are very raw.
The murky waters of his Tao are not yet still.

Daphne: He would have a murky tsunami if he knew.

Valdez: (embarrassed) Let’s chant.

Daphne: I suppose it can’t hurt.

Valdez sits in a lotus position on the floor and Daphne follows with some difficulty. Cornelius emerges from his trance, beaming.

Cornelius: Friends, the elements are strong with us tonight.

New-Agers: Earth, air, fire, water, quintessence…

Cornelius: Quintessence is strong with us tonight.

Valdez: Blessed be.

Cornelius: I am thankful for my brothers.
We reject society built
on warrior individuals.
Now my strength
can build better lives in her name.

New-Agers: Tiamat, Artemis, Nugua…

Cornelius: The Goddess calls on Daphne…

Cornelius extends his hand to Daphne. Daphne stands up and slowly approaches him. He takes her hand and leads her to his former position behind the altar. He sits down in a lotus position next to Valdez.

New-Agers: Praise preserver, praise destroyer, praise creator…

Mother Eris draws back the curtain and emerges from inside the altar with Daphne standing behind it so that it seems Daphne is giving birth to her mother.

Daphne: Mother!

Bear Mother does not turn around but walks downstage a bit addressing the audience.

Bear Mother: I am the Great Mother.
My power takes many forms:
love, madness, wisdom, even strife.
where one aspect fails, one aspect succeeds.

Daphne: Great Mother, I’m afraid to fail.
Going forward seems like retreat.

Bear Mother: Be afraid, don’t be afraid,
try eating something, lose some weight,
get a boyfriend, get a job,
mother’s worried, mother’s proud…

Daphne: Mother’s proud?

Bear Mother: Ein tov she’ein bo ra.
There’s no good without evil in it.

Bear Mother inches backwards towards the altar and conceals herself again.

New-Agers: Where one aspect fails, another succeeds.
There’s no good without evil in it.

Cornelius and Valdez rise and stand on either side of Daphne.

Cornelius and Valdez: (duet)
Men are born soft and supple;
dead, they are stiff and hard.
Plants are born tender and pliant;
dead, they are brittle and dry.
Thus whoever is stiff and inflexible
is a disciple of death.
Whoever is soft and yielding
is a disciple of life.

Daphne, Cornelius and Valdez: (trio)
The hard and stiff will be broken.
The soft and supple will prevail.
Be soft and yield,
The supple will prevail.

The New-Agers rise from their chairs and approach the trio in celebration.

New-Agers: Blessed be, blessed be, blessed be!

Scene 4: Solano Beach

There are shells, sand and beach balls scattered across the floor. Where the sign once was during the office scenes, there is instead a large sun. The orchestra are dressed as Surfers (in wetsuits, bikinis or carrying surfboards). The clarinetist sits on a high lifeguard chair occasionally blowing his horn at the other players as they rise and walk past him, occasionally returning to different places in the orchestra. The clarinet is silenπt when Eros walks onto the stage carrying his shoes in one hand and his Proxy Award in the other. The surfers pass him, fluttering their instruments as though chatting and he follows them with his eyes and sighs.

Eros: This is no good. No good.

Eros tosses down his shoes and sits facing the sun.

Eros: (clutching his award) What good is success
without my lover?
Eros is a beast and yet,
he underestimated nature.
She has a sovereign heart
that taxes all indifference.
A world of fans don’t compare
to the way she fills one body.
Man loves a conundrum,
cross-pollinating theories
while his faithful instinct
cools, ignored.
And yet,
my lover will move on,
gathering my discarded passion with his own.
(stands up and faces the audience) Hear me, Ocean,
hear me! Eros can change!
We are all your essence!
We are your children, your food,
your tailors, your disease!
Your fury bubbles in my lover’s heart!
Tell him I can change!
I know I can be a bigger man…

Enter Dr. Bloom with a package.

Bloom: Yes, you can.

Eros: (stands up) Dr. Bloom!

Bloom: Vacuum pumps date back to Ancient Egypt
as safe and natural alternatives to medication.
That’s why my pump is FDA approved.
Impotence or enlargement:
my step-by-step video
will have you on your way to a healthier relationship
with your partner and yourself.
Try the pump award-winning film-star Eros uses.

Eros: Dr. Bloom—helping men to reach their full potential.

Harvey Wolf: (blows his clarinet) Cut!

Eros: Was that good for you, Harvey?

The Clarinetist toots in approval and descends the chair. Enter Daphne, Valdez and Cornelius.

Daphne: Oh, Eros, you were magnificent!

Eros: Really? I felt off.

Bloom: Nooo, puppy, you shined like a pearl in the sun.

Valdez: And you, Dr. Bloom…

Cornelius: …you were a real natural.

Bloom: How could I go wrong with these words?

Eros: Daphne, your lines are flawless.
I haven’t felt this inspired since Homo Erectus.

Daphne: (to Harvey) Mr. Wolf, thank you for this opportunity.

Harvey Wolf: Don’t sweat it, kid.
When I lost the Proxy Award,
I decided to get back into television.
Eros told me Bloom was hurting for business.
Then, he showed me the letter you wrote for him.
I thought, this girl could really write
info-‘mercials!

Daphne: (to Bloom) I’m so glad
your business almost failed.

Bloom: Now it’s sure to succeed!
Daphne Dangerfield,
you enlarge my kingdom.

Daphne: (to everyone) Thank you for pumping my career.

Valdez & Cornelius: Let us rise up and be thankful!

All Singers: Although reflection feels like retreat,
solace is the key to variation.
The supple will prevail.
The supple will prevail.

FINIS